Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I'm thinking about quitting my job. Hubby and I have agreed that I don't need it, that it isn't worth putting up with the bullying/abuse for the money they pay me.

What did I say in a blog post at the start of the year?:

'It's a coffee shop day, and I do enjoy making fancy drinks and cooking up delicious sandwiches for people, but it's not at all in line with the vision I have for myself. Neither is sitting at a desk [...] and being more or less sedentary for hours [...]. My vision includes not working for anyone and being able to explore my passions and interests freely and without obligation to anyone but myself, hubby and dogs.'

So why didn't I go with that gut feeling at the time? Because I was scared. Scared of the ramifications. Scared of what people might think of me. Scared of what not having a job meant. I also didn't want hubby to think of me as a freeloader (which happened the last time I was unemployed). Luckily, we're in a position (he recently switched to a better paying job at work) where that wouldn't be an issue anymore. Before, if I'd quit my job (even though he wanted me to), it would've been detrimental to our financial situation, and he would've expected me to start looking for another job immediately. I've been considering work-from-home options, or starting my own business, and he's said that he's okay with that (something he'd have never ever said before). He even said he could match the couple hundred bucks I make a week at the coffee shop if I want. At first, that made me uncomfortable. It sounded like I'd be getting an allowance like women in the 40s and 50s did ('You bought another hat?'). He didn't see it that way. In his words: 'You are calling it an allowance. I call it wages for staying home and not putting up with the shit you put up with at work on a daily basis.' I've read up on it, and a lot of couples make it work. Some even say it has helped to decrease their conflict. We already operate on two separate checking accounts while maintaining a joint/emergency account, and that's worked for us for many years.

Just the other day, I told hubby that maybe I should wait til after the holidays to make the leap. After all, the coffee shop, like anywhere, is a more enjoyable place to be this time of year. I had a surprisingly good day at work the other day, and actually felt bad for considering quitting (???). Why do I have such a hard time letting go of things that are bad for me? Hubby doesn't think it's the job itself I'm afraid to let go, but the people--my regulars--and I think he's right. That's really the only thing that keeps me going at work: seeing faces I recognize, knowing them by name/drink/etc., and knowing I can make them happy. Because trust me, there are plenty of people you can never make happy, and I encounter a lot of them on a daily basis, too. Outside of work, I feel like I'm in a town full of strangers, but at work, I feel important and appreciated. All quitting would mean is that I'd have to find another way to make friends. And that the coffee shop would have to take the time/money to train someone new, but why should I be worried about that??? Because I'm afraid of letting people down, that's why.

My sis from Seattle came to visit for a week recently (she left a week ago today), and I was grateful I got to spend some time with her (wish I could spend more). The cancer's gotten really bad. She learned a few months back that it'd spread to her brain, and recently finished radiation of her head. She's on about three different types of chemo, and what seems like fifty different OTC and prescription meds. She's still working, which is admirable, but both my parents and I worry that she won't be able to for much longer. She goes and goes and goes on days she feels good, but then pays for it for days and days afterward. I hated to see her go back to Seattle early this week, but I know it was even harder for my parents to let her get on the plane. The day before she left, she was researching end-of-life planning stuff, which is smart, but also really upsetting. I understand she has to look at the situation realistically, but I also hope it doesn't mean she's giving up. She's been looking at alternative treatment options, because she's running out of conventional ones, and fast.

I know it's her whole situation that's been making me seriously rethink my life and what I want out of it. I don't want to reach the end of my life and realize that all I've done is jump from one meaningless job to another and haven't spent any time doing things I really cared about.