Wednesday, January 29, 2014

It's been an exercise in self-control for me not to just crawl back into bed every day. The fact that I work six out of seven days a week is in itself enough of a demotivator. Sunday's my only day off, but it's usually spent catching up on things I didn't get done at home while I was working (how a house can fall apart in just a couple days is beyond me!), and doesn't really provide any chance at relaxation since I have to turn right back around and be at work at a quarter to six the next morning. Yes, I know. Poor me. Blah blah blah. I suppose here is the only place I feel like I can really talk about this stuff. Nobody I care about cares to hear about it, and if they say they do, they're surely lying, or humoring me, or whatever. No matter how much I try not to be, I'm still seen as the selfish one. Nobody has asked me how I feel about my sister's situation, except my mom and brother, and I don't know how to talk to them about it. I know my parents are having a tough time, and understandably so. But I hesitate to reach out to them. Am I afraid of actually seeing how this is affecting them? Am I trying to be the strong one? I isolated myself from them when I was sick, too, declined their offers to accompany me to treatments, etc. I can handle it on my own, I told them. And I did. But was it better for me to sit alone in that chair while life-saving poison was being pumped through my veins? Was it better for me to sit with my headphones on, privacy curtain drawn halfway to obscure the suffering of those around me whose situations were far worse than mine? The couple of times someone did come with me, I could tell they really didn't want to be there in the first place.

I've got about an hour before I have to start getting ready for work, and I won't make it home again until after dark. Once I'm there, I'm usually fine; the hardest part's building up the motivation to go. It's a coffee shop day, and I do enjoy making fancy drinks and cooking up delicious sandwiches for people, but it's not at all in line with the vision I have for myself. Neither is sitting at a desk taking registrations and being more or less sedentary for hours (my other job). My vision includes not working for anyone and being able to explore my passions and interests freely and without obligation to anyone but myself, hubby and dogs.

Speaking of hubby--he turns 40 in just under two months, and I still haven't decided what to do for his birthday. As it's a rather significant number, I want to do something special, but unfortunately my funds are pretty limited. I'd love to transform the big room in our basement into the man cave he's been talking about, but that'd be tricky. I know it's possible to do things on a shoestring budget, but then I run the risk of doing something he doesn't like, but has to live with because it was a gift. I'd thought about doing something simple like putting up drywall and buying a dartboard or other game to put down there--in other words, getting it started for him, but leaving it more or less a blank slate. I'd need more than just drywall, though; I'd need the framework for it as well (and him to be away from home for about a week), and that's already beyond my budget. I also thought about buying him a dry bar for entertaining. After doing some searching, I've come across a couple reasonably priced ones (if it can be considered reasonable to spend the majority of my earnings on a piece of furniture), so that may be what I go with.

Getting down to the wire now. I could talk more about my disillusionment with adult life, lost friends, and unattainable dreams, but I'll save those for future posts. Maybe. I need some good news.

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