Saturday, May 17, 2014

After we'd had a few drinks the other night, hubby and I had a discussion we'd touched on briefly before, but had really sort of been avoiding. I'm talking of course about the kid discussion. He already knew this, but I made mention again about how I'd been questioning whether I not I want to have kids, and how if we ever decided to, how I'd been thinking of adoption as an option. He mentioned that he doesn't feel a biological need to have kids, but that if we were going to do it (adoption or not), he'd want to start before he's 45 (which is less than five years from now). No pressure intended, but still...pressure.

Mainly, I have no interest in being big, fat and pregnant, but also, I just don't think I'm kid-raising material. Mentally speaking, I'm still kind a kid myself, and I don't think I'm willing to give up my freedom. Because once you have kids, your life is no longer your own. I think back to when I was younger and my nephews were still little. Whenever they'd visit and ask me to play, I'd always say something along the lines of, 'Maybe later.' It felt like encroachment--like if I said yes, I'd never be able to escape. I've gotten better about it. In fact, I love hanging out with kids nowadays (maybe because I'm so desperate to be back there), just so long as they go home with someone else.

Everyone always tells me I'd make a good mother, but I know better. I'm still trying to figure out where I want to go in my own life. Also, I have a hard enough time keeping our two dogs in line. If I had a kid, I'm pretty sure I'd just mess it up. Some people say having kids brings it all into focus, but that, to me, just sounds like an excuse to justify one's own existence, which is selfish, and a horrible reason to bring a kid into the world!

I'm not trying to kid-bash here. I've had my moments when I've thought, Aww...wouldn't it be nice? But that's when a kid is being good. As soon as that kid starts being bad, or starts throwing a fit or whatever, that feeling goes right out the window, and I start wishing for infertility.

Monday, May 12, 2014

I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. And it isn't just the crap going on at work. It's everything: work, living in a house I can't maintain, having a dog that refuses to stop pissing and shitting everywhere, etc. My mom and dad, after visiting this weekend, told me that the house smelled like urine. It's been miserably muggy these last few days, so that's probably helped to make it more obvious. I try to keep it as clean as I can, but there's just no getting that smell out without burning the place down. There's not an inch of floor in this house that hasn't been squatted on since we brought our second dog (a rescue) home last summer. The carpet, the 80-year-old wood floors...all ruined. I'm not going to give up on her, though, so I guess I should just get used to the fact that our house is going to stink.

Hubby wants me to quit my 'poison' job, but that's easier said than done. It's true I hate going to work now (funny how fast your opinion of a place/people can change), but I also know what it's like to be unemployed (I was for nearly two years at one point), and I don't think I could do it again. I wouldn't even have unemployment this time, and even when I had that, it was only to be used for bills. I basically had no life. I couldn't drive anywhere because hubby didn't want to pay for it (my car actually stopped running because it sat for so long). I either cleaned too much or too little. If I didn't do anything at all, he'd get upset then, too. He makes it sound so appealing this time, though: An entire summer off to do whatever I want to do. Problem is, I'm afraid he'd end up holding it over my head like last time. I wouldn't expect him to make up the difference without my income. He'd give me money to go buy groceries, but he wouldn't pay for my social life (not that I have one). And why should he? I don't want to be a parasite anymore.

If I could go back, I'd quit this job and continue working the 13 hours a week I had at the other job. At least I'd know what to expect. None of this shady scheduling bullshit that I'm dealing with now. Oh well! Live and learn!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Anything that's too good to be true, right? I talked about how I had weekends off most of the time. Not the case anymore. When I took more hours at this job, we agreed I'd work an occasional Saturday, but that I'd have Sundays off. And I could handle that. In the beginning, whenever they needed me to work anything other than my regularly scheduled hours, they'd ask me ahead of time to make sure I was available. It was a good working relationship. Now they've started writing me in on my days off without asking me, and that's not sitting very well with me. They're starting to make up the schedule further ahead of time, which is fine, but now they're leaving it up to us to work out the kinks. I'm sorry, but unless someone's asked me to work anything other than my regularly scheduled hours, I have no reason to even look at the written schedule. That's not the only issue, though. The raise (not a huge one, but something) that was promised when I took more hours went into effect recently, and it's been nice having a little extra money. However, I learned the other day that my hours will be shortened starting next month. I did the math; it's basically going to be like the raise never happened. Also, I'll be working two 3-hour days in a row as a result. What the hell's the point? I love how they made it sound like it'll be a good thing: 'You'll get to leave early on Fridays!' Great. What if I don't want to leave early on Fridays? It would've been nice if someone had asked me how I felt about it before making my decision for me. Fuck off.

I sat down with my boss for a half-an-hour the other day and voiced my concerns, and while she made it seem like she understood where I was coming from, her responses said otherwise. She kept shirking the issue and siding with her manager who does the scheduling. I get that 'retail isn't a 9 to 5 industry,' but when she tried to tell me that nothing's ever set in stone when it comes to retail, I almost blurted out, 'So any agreements we've made pretty much count for nothing?'

What really ticked me off is when she said, 'Don't let this stress you out, okay? It's not worth it.' What I heard instead was, 'You're overreacting. Your feelings don't matter.' Because it doesn't bother her, she thinks it shouldn't bother me. I can't stand how self-important some people are.

Anyway, this whole situation has been making me feel physically ill for the last week. And I don't see it improving. Time to get serious about finding another job--one that won't screw me over.