After we'd had a few drinks the other night, hubby and I had a discussion we'd touched on briefly before, but had really sort of been avoiding. I'm talking of course about the kid discussion. He already knew this, but I made mention again about how I'd been questioning whether I not I want to have kids, and how if we ever decided to, how I'd been thinking of adoption as an option. He mentioned that he doesn't feel a biological need to have kids, but that if we were going to do it (adoption or not), he'd want to start before he's 45 (which is less than five years from now). No pressure intended, but still...pressure.
Mainly, I have no interest in being big, fat and pregnant, but also, I just don't think I'm kid-raising material. Mentally speaking, I'm still kind a kid myself, and I don't think I'm willing to give up my freedom. Because once you have kids, your life is no longer your own. I think back to when I was younger and my nephews were still little. Whenever they'd visit and ask me to play, I'd always say something along the lines of, 'Maybe later.' It felt like encroachment--like if I said yes, I'd never be able to escape. I've gotten better about it. In fact, I love hanging out with kids nowadays (maybe because I'm so desperate to be back there), just so long as they go home with someone else.
Everyone always tells me I'd make a good mother, but I know better. I'm still trying to figure out where I want to go in my own life. Also, I have a hard enough time keeping our two dogs in line. If I had a kid, I'm pretty sure I'd just mess it up. Some people say having kids brings it all into focus, but that, to me, just sounds like an excuse to justify one's own existence, which is selfish, and a horrible reason to bring a kid into the world!
I'm not trying to kid-bash here. I've had my moments when I've thought, Aww...wouldn't it be nice? But that's when a kid is being good. As soon as that kid starts being bad, or starts throwing a fit or whatever, that feeling goes right out the window, and I start wishing for infertility.