Monday, May 12, 2014

I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. And it isn't just the crap going on at work. It's everything: work, living in a house I can't maintain, having a dog that refuses to stop pissing and shitting everywhere, etc. My mom and dad, after visiting this weekend, told me that the house smelled like urine. It's been miserably muggy these last few days, so that's probably helped to make it more obvious. I try to keep it as clean as I can, but there's just no getting that smell out without burning the place down. There's not an inch of floor in this house that hasn't been squatted on since we brought our second dog (a rescue) home last summer. The carpet, the 80-year-old wood floors...all ruined. I'm not going to give up on her, though, so I guess I should just get used to the fact that our house is going to stink.

Hubby wants me to quit my 'poison' job, but that's easier said than done. It's true I hate going to work now (funny how fast your opinion of a place/people can change), but I also know what it's like to be unemployed (I was for nearly two years at one point), and I don't think I could do it again. I wouldn't even have unemployment this time, and even when I had that, it was only to be used for bills. I basically had no life. I couldn't drive anywhere because hubby didn't want to pay for it (my car actually stopped running because it sat for so long). I either cleaned too much or too little. If I didn't do anything at all, he'd get upset then, too. He makes it sound so appealing this time, though: An entire summer off to do whatever I want to do. Problem is, I'm afraid he'd end up holding it over my head like last time. I wouldn't expect him to make up the difference without my income. He'd give me money to go buy groceries, but he wouldn't pay for my social life (not that I have one). And why should he? I don't want to be a parasite anymore.

If I could go back, I'd quit this job and continue working the 13 hours a week I had at the other job. At least I'd know what to expect. None of this shady scheduling bullshit that I'm dealing with now. Oh well! Live and learn!

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